Chapter 9: Four CORE Differences Between Men & Women
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Principles Covered in this Chapter
1. Women enjoy being seen as Beautiful while men enjoy seeing Beauty
2. Men are more logical while women tend to be more emotional
3. Women have a "need" for love while men have a "need" for respect
4. Women have a "Need" for Romance while Men have a "Need" for Sex
Looking at the statistics, according to Statista.com, 62.46 Billion Dollars was spent on cosmetics/beauty products in 2016, in the United States alone, that is 1 Million Dollars X 62,460, spent on achieving the Goal of “Looking Cute”, or “being seen a beautiful”.
On the other hand, it is also a very well-known fact that over the years’ men/males in America, have spent Billions and Billions of dollars, “Looking at Beauty” through a thing called “Porn”. These statistics all go to prove that Women were created to Enjoy being “Seen” as Beautiful & Men were Naturally created to Enjoy “Seeing” Beauty.
But as I mentioned before, knowing this principle, and coming up with a plan to “not cross the line, and go too far”, is the key to maintaining a healthy and respectful relationship with your significant other. SHE shouldn’t go “over-board” in her attempts to be “seen as beautiful”, and HE, shouldn’t go “over-board” in his attempts, to “look” at something beautiful.
Difference #2: Men Are More Logical & Women Are More Emotional
Because men tend to have a bigger Inferior-Parietal Lobule (IPL), which is a part of the brain that helps you think mathematically, men “tend to” think in a more logical, systematic way. Women on the other hand, “tend to” have a larger limbic system, which is a part of the brain that helps a person get in touch with their emotions, causing them to be more nurturing and sympathetic towards others.
I can remember years ago in the early days of my marriage, my wife and I had just gotten into a huge blow out heated argument, so I decided to take a walk in my neighborhood to cool off. As I was walking through my neighborhood, I was going over the details of the situation in my head, trying to calculate how my “actions”, could possibly lead to her “reactions”, It just didn’t add up. The more I tried to figure it out, the more frustrated I became, it just didn’t make sense.
Then all of a sudden, the clouds parted, and a voice from heaven said, “Kevin, if you don’t understand why your wife is reacting the way she is, then you probably never will. You’re a thinker, and your wife is a feeler. When the pressure is on, you tend to go into problem solving mode, and she goes into emotion processing mode. You are different, and that is okay”.
After receiving this revelation from heaven (not in an audible voice, but more of an “Ah-Hah Moment”), whenever I would find myself shaking my head thinking “I don’t understand, it doesn’t make sense, I don’t understand,” I would tell myself, “You don’t understand, and you probably never will … and it’s okay … Period”. This really helped us get to a healthier place in our relationship, because I was realizing slowly but surely, that her “reactions” to my “actions”, didn’t make sense, because her emotions were more extreme than mine, and that what she really needed from me, was for me to “Validate her feelings” (because her feelings were real and genuine), then to try my best to “Listen to Understand” what she was going through, “without” trying to solve the problem (see chapter 6 on Listening to understand).
Difference #3: Women “Need” Love & Men “Need” Respect
In the popular book “Love and Respect”, Dr. Emerson Eggerich lays out the principle, that women have a “deep-felt need”, to “feel loved and cherished”, by their significant other, while men in general, do not share the same “intensity” for “feeling loved”, like a woman does, but instead, has the same intensity for his “Deep-felt Need” for “feeling Respected”. Women “Need” to “Feel” Loved, and Men “Need” to “Feel” Respected. To look closer into this principle, we will take a look at what DR Eggerich calls the Crazy Cycle, and the Energizing Cycle.
The Crazy Cycle is when “he” does something that makes “her” feel “unloved”, she then naturally responds in ways that cause him to “feel disrespected”, and when he “feels” disrespected, he naturally responds to her in ways that make her “feel” unloved. And it just goes back and forth, round and round, until their whole world is spinning on “The Crazy Cycle”!
The Energizing Cycle is the opposite of the Crazy Cycle, and also has the opposite effect. When “he” does something that makes her “feel” loved, it naturally motivates her to act in ways that make him “feel” respected”. And when a man “feels” respected by his wife, it naturally motivates “him” to act in ways that make her “feel” loved. This Cycle can also go round and round, filling up their relationship with love and fulfillment.
Difference #4: Women “Need” Romance & Men “Need” Sex
The problem with this principle is that the opposite is also true … Women don’t “Need” Sex (they can go without it) … and Men don’t “Need” Romance (they can go without it).
So typically, what happens in a relationship, is that in the beginning (the honeymoon phase), the guy will do “anything and everything” he possibly can, to make her “feel special”, which is my definition of “Romance”.
And if he hits the target enough, and makes her “feel special”, it will fill up her “Love Tank” and cause her to be fulfilled in the relationship. And then also in response to him making her “feel special”, it will automatically cause her to want to open up to him, leading to physical actions, such as hugs, holding hands, kissing, etc., thereby causing his ego to get filled, leading his own fulfillment and confidence in their relationship.
But then as the relationship goes on, and once he realizes that he has “won the prize", he has "won her over”, he will naturally put less and less effort into making her “feel special”, especially since Romance is not a natural need for me. As the years roll by, and their life gets busier and busier with careers, kids, sports, and all the other things that consume our time, the dates get less and less, the surprise gifts become a distant memory, and the feelings of love and Romance that she once felt slowly but surely fades away.
So best case scenario for a relationship is for both people to understand the difference in their “Needs”, and to commit themselves to meeting their spouse’s "needs" … her need for romance … his need for physical intimacy … both giving 100% into the relationship.
A wise man once said that one of the keys to having a happy, healthy marriage is not found in trying to make it 50%/50%, but for both people to commit to doing their best at making it 100%/100%.
Difference #1: Women Enjoy being “Seen” as Beautiful & Men Enjoy “Seeing” Beauty
Understanding this principle can help a couple to be able to draw a line in the sand, when it comes to “him going overboard with looking at Beautiful Females”, and “her going overboard in her attempts to be seen by others as beautiful”.
It’s a well-known fact that men suffer from a disease that I call “Eye-Candy-High-itous”, which is a reaction that occurs when a male “sees” a female that he considers attractive.
Here is the “Eye-Candy-High” process, according to www.HowStuffWorks.com ….
Step 1: Boy sees girl.
Step 2: Boy quickly calculates in his mind whether or not he finds her attractive, using his “Is She Pretty Mental Checklist”.
Example of a Male's "Is She Pretty?" Mental Checklist ...
Dark Hair …… Check
Soft Skin …….. Check
Thin Build ….. Check
Nice Smile ….. Check
Ding, Ding, Ding! Yes, she is Pretty! = Eye-Candy-High!!!
Step 3: If the “Beauty Checklist” gets enough high scores, Endorphins in "his brain" will then send a signal to what are called “Opioid Receptors”.
Step 4: Once the Opioid Receptors get triggered, they release an Opium-like substance that is naturally produced by our bodies, giving him what is called an “Endorphin Rush”, or an “Eye-Candy-High”.
And when a women takes the time, energy and money, necessary for her to be able get ready in the morning so she can go out in public and “get noticed”, causes similar endorphins in her brain to get triggered, which makes her “Feel Good”, as her bodies “Opioid Receptors” get triggered in her brain, giving her a “Euphoric High”, leading to a “Boost in her confidence level”.
I once asked a female this question … “Do you spend the time, energy and money necessary to get ready in the morning, so that you can go out in public, and “Get noticed as Beautiful”, or do you do it just to "feel good about yourself”? Her answer was that she didn’t do it to get noticed, but that she spent the time, energy and money that it takes to “look cute”, so that she could "feel good about herself".
I then asked her this question … “If that is 100% true, why is that you don’t spend the same time, energy and money on getting ready, when you don’t go out in public?”